Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
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HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit