In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅