I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Deer are just ballerina dogs
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.