Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
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History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose