When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.