Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Vodka burrito was a success
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
yeet
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.