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Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Hot Hot Hot
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!