Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Thursday Thought.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
All. The. Damn. Time.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?