I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I get distracted pretty eas
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.