I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
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Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
tell em, edith-anne
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
being a writer on Twitter:
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.