Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…