My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
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And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.