If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.