Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
You Might Also Like
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“That’s what” – She
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*