This made me chuckle.
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It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
time for some seasonal decor
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Sharon, call the vet
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.