unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
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Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me