Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
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Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.