I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
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Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there