i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
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Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”