Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I had to Stop for this
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.