I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
This could be us but you eatin’
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”