[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
You Might Also Like
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
everyone’s a critic
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.