My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.