The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
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If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard