Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Ha
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.