My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
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the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”