I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
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DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Best spoiler warning ever
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
monday
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
why would tinder want me to say this
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down