Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo