OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
August 8
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.