Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.