Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
You Might Also Like
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?