My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.