You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral