[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
This is a bad sign
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.