Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
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The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not