hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I want to meet the individual who made this
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam