I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
o shit
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon