Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
You Might Also Like
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
that colleague who touches your screen
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
never deleting this app.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I beg your pardon?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.