Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
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Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”