Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
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Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
My therapist after every session
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?