Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*