the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
spot the difference
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.