Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
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I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?