Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I need better friends
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen