“no gods no masters” = leo
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My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Good morning.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.