Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.