Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.