thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Canada has crack?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.