I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Don’t snitch tag.