What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
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*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.